Ironically Sneaky Theft of a Book on Ninja

Two weeks ago I used a gift card to purchase a book through Barnes and Noble’s website. I settled for a used copy which came from a third-party seller, since the book is out of print. Ninja, the True Story of Japan’s Secret Warrior Cult, by Stephen Turnbull, arrived quickly and turned out to be as awesome as its subject matter: full of historical fact, mythology, Japanese images, and library information.

<<Sound of brakes screeching>>

Originally from the Fond Du Lac Public Library, the book appeared to have been withdrawn from there. I would have thought it sold by the library, except inside the book was also information on an inter-library loan. The Winnefox Library System in Wisconsin had loaned the book to the Stonehill College Library in Massachusetts, with a return date of May 24, 2010.

I donned my fedora, holstered my 38 special, took a sip of bourbon, and launched my detective career. A call to Stonehill soon turned up the fact that the book had been requested by them but never arrived. Instead, someone had rerouted it to Big River Books, LLC, 5001 McNeel Industrial Way, Powder Springs, GA 30127.

Who steals from a library? The jerk apparently operates from Georgia, or at the very least has a dummy corporate address there (although judging by what follows, it’s hard to imagine my thief is smart enough to have a dummy address). The jerk is also, apparently, an idiot. Ninja is rarer than I thought (almost as rare as a real ninja! Pun!). Hardcovers are hard to find and go for $85 or more. Paperbacks are easier to find and cost about $15. I bought mine for $14, shipping included. It’s a hardcover, in very good condition.

Stealing from libraries is not unknown. The librarian at Stonehill informed me it is quite easy to find out which libraries possess which valuable books. Usually, however, the thief simply checks the book out, and does not involve the inter-library loan system. Also, one assumes, the thief is then smart enough to remove the incriminating evidence from the book before fencing it.

I’ve informed Barnes and Noble, but haven’t heard back yet. I have no doubt they’ll take some kind of action against Big River (even if the bookseller wasn’t the original thief, they could have done what I did and called the library), and hopefully they’ll also see fit to refund my $14. In the meantime, I will be mailing Ninja back to Stonehill.

Just another day in the life of a book detective.

Woolf: not a Parvenu

Is it 103 degrees where you are? Is the bright harsh heat coming from everywhere at once like some titanic sun-fall? Are you inside reading like I am?

I’ve been swamped in words and want to share. This has caused me to fall behind on listing what I’m reading. I’ve already finished Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, but thought it deserved to sit on my site for a moment in all its epistolary glory. Reading it has convinced me epistolary novels are the only way to go. I’ll probably be done with A Room of One’s Own by the end of the day, and Lost Horizon shan’t last much longer, I imagine.

I’ve also just finished Virginia Woolf’s essay “How Should One Read a Book?” which contained the quote “reading is a longer and more complicated process than seeing.” Too bad we cut away so much of the long and complicated these days. Woolf also said in the essay that “facts are a very inferior form of fiction.”

Her other thoughts deserve a bit more reflection and maybe another post. I’ve been thinking about women, and reading books by women, and people with idiosyncracies and the bravery to have them. Shall I put all that in one post? Sounds dangerous.

Lastly, a word: Parvenu. From the French for to pass through or arrive (roughly), it means someone who is newly rich or powerful and does not know how to behave in this new exalted station. I do not think it would be too much of a stretch of the word to use it on the many “housewives” and other newly famous of reality television. Coined in 1802, perfect for 2010.

Page of Words of the Day

I wrote the line “gave a wan smile” yesterday and, realizing that I wasn’t sure what wan meant, flew to the arms of Webster like a teenage girl flying to the arms of her loving vampire, or werewolf, or whatever violent nocturnal creature it is currently OK to encourage our young girls to snuggle with.

Wan (pronounced as one would pronounce “Han” of Han Solo): suggestive of poor health, lacking vitality. From the old English wann, for dark.

I’d used it correctly. My main character had been saving a seat for someone and had told someone else the seat was taken and gave her a “wan smile.” Lacking vitality! Exactly.

Better than finding I’d used the word properly, though, was perusing wan’s orthographic neighbors. On the same page I found some awesome proper(ish) nouns:

  • Walpurgis Night
  • Wampanoags
  • Wandering Jew
  • Wankel engine

As well as wallydraigle, walrus, wampum, wanderlust, wangle, wanton, and the onoemonapaic warble.

What a great dictionary page! Totally not wan!

Tone your Writing AND your Abs in Ten Easy Steps!

Perhaps because I’ve been closely following TH Mafi’s hilarious Querypolitan, I’ve been stricken by the bug to write about the intersection of physical fitness and a writing career, which I very briefly touched on here.

Writing seems to most the dreadful nemesis of physical fitness, a stony-faced Greek goddess armed with the ability to inflict spare tires and varicose veins. The more my writing and my fitness are left in my own hands, though, the more they seem to have some secret natural connection.

Writing seems less like Nemesis and more like Nora, the svelte and witty darling who when joined by her dapper husband Nick can overcome any number of gun-totting villains or olive-laden martinis (and Nick and Nora of The Thin Man drank all the time).

But when I sat to write this post I couldn’t think of much to add to my previous thoughts besides fanciful metaphors. The increased blood flow and energy from working out are obvious benefits to mixing physically strenuous activity with a writing lifestyle, but there’s clearly more, and that more to me seems to be centered around running.

I’ve tried, but have yet to exhaust all the connections between writing and running. I find both damn hard. Both require an iron self-motivation. Both are intimates with solitude. Writing is done alone, and as my friend pointed out, running is one of the few activities in modern society that allows for true solitude. When running we’re allowed to leave behind even our leach-like cell phones.

I was still trying to suss out the nuances of the relationships between running and writing when I finished Lolita and peered in my skyscraper-like stack of books-to-be-read and found What I Talk About When I Talk About Running, by Haruki Murakami.

And so I point you, dear reader, to Murakami, as he’s far more lyric, even in translation, than I am, and an excellent chronicler of the interactions between writing and running. I’ve only just begun the book but it’s already cleared everything else out of my head, much the way a nice hard run will.

In Which the Secrets of the Library are Revealed

It is a fact generally observable by all that the world is filled with idiots and boors including (but not limited to) people who place perspiring beverages on antique wood surfaces, women waiting in line at the bank who declare loudly that the tellers should “stop checking their email and help customers” and individuals in blue Hondas that make right turns from the center lane without using a turn signal. However, since I find myself lucky enough to abide in the richest nation on Earth, I cannot justify complaining, even if I have to share said nation with said idiots and boors.

Instead I shall point out the delightful. The public library (at least its incarnation in Baltimore, the Enoch Pratt) not only offers a variety of books and videos for free, it also offers classes, research assistance, and expensive databases, all for free.

Since free is the price point at which I prefer most things, I found this exceedingly exciting. If only I had known while laboring on research projects at school that public librarians were eagerly awaiting the chance to do my homework for me, I would have lived a happier if slightly less educational youth.

I just took a class on grant researching and writing at the Enoch Pratt and it was wonderful. I also learned the library has a collection of sport memorabilia, a collection of old menus from Baltimore restaurants, and even a lock of Poe’s hair!

Though the world seems at times exclusively comprised of the idiots and boors, the truth is that they are just the most salient, often because they nearly run you over in their blue Hondas. So, stay nimble and you will make it safely in the library’s doors, to find that inside they offer, free of charge, the chance to forget the idiocy outside.

Line Item Word of the Day

Also in news: I’ve begun grant writing. (What’s that? You need a grant written? Well, do let me know!)

In my efforts to understand the arcane arts that apply to grant writing, I’ve begun reading about budgets and have discovered this delightful etymological morsel:

Budget is from the middle French bougette, which is the diminutive of bouge, a leather bag. In the Middle Ages in England (where they liked to speak French to look classier and/or because half of them were Normans aka French), letters and documents on taxes and spending were brought before Parliament in… a small leather bag. Fast forward a bunch o’ centuries and you get budget.

Even better? The middle French came via the Latin bulga, which was of Celtic origin! Holy travels, Batman, was that kind of globe trotting even in the budget back then?

A Poorly put Together Word of the Day

Happy belated Memorial Day! Did we have fun working all weekend and eking out exhausted attempts at fiction in a our few hours off? No? Was that just me?

Have begun Lolita, which has forced me to keep my dictionary ready in my holster for quick reference. Today’s vocabularial speed bump was incondite.

Incondite – badly put together.

The girl’s outfit was incondite; amateurs should not try to mimic Lady Gaga.

A pop culture reference with your vocab lesson. How wonderful. No? Not so smooth? A tad incondite, perhaps?

Further Webpagery

Enough with the insightful posts already.

This is one of two leading templates for my final design. You may notice me switching back and forth between the two as I fidget with some small details.

Also, I believe I’ve found a way to return my “What I’m reading” feature to my side-panel, although it seems intent on adding “/” to things I type.

And in “what could be more fun than that” news, I’ve begun entering all your lovely emails, which I saved from my terrible listserve program, into my new and improved one. Data entry. Fun.

Papa of the Non-story

Recently finished Hemingway’s In Our Time, and although “Hemingway did more to change the style of English prose than any other writer in the twentieth century,” and though “IOT was praised for its simple and precise use of language to convey a wide range of complex emotions,” I did not like all of it.

I did not like all of it because it turns out Hemingway was an early contributor to the trend of non-stories. These are absolutely rampant in graduate school writing and the writers studied there, and nearly non-existent outside of grad school.

A non-story is an intricately painted portrait of a time and place and the characters in it, a careful rendering of tense situations, and a deep and honest look at conflicting emotions, all in which nothing happens and the reader is made to trudge through dense lyrical prose for zero payoff. For reference, please see any of the Nick Adams stories in In Our Time.

What Vehicular Manslaughter Can Teach us About Writing

Every day of the last two weeks I’ve nearly been run over.

I donated my car weeks ago, and though I have always walked and biked around town a lot, being car-less has made me notice how often I have to dive back unto the sidewalk or swerve out of traffic to avoid being mauled and mangled by a driver who simply isn’t driving.

When not dodging Dodges, I’ve been researching for my work in progress by reading Atul Gawande’s Better, which includes his essays on how difficult it is for doctors to achieve the incredible levels of focus and attention to detail that good doctoring require.

Diligence isn’t just difficult for doctors, though, as my experiences on the road prove. Driving isn’t particularly hard but it requires constant attention and thought. To be perfect drivers we need to pay perfect attention the entire length of our drive and we never do.

Which got me thinking about something I never do: publish short stories. Disappointed with my inability to get my many short stories published, I compiled a list of them in a spreadsheet, ranked by various attributes, with notes, comparing them to see if I could find a trend. There wasn’t one single thing wrong in every story. Instead, I found they’d all suffered in different ways from a lack of follow-through, or, you might say, diligence.

So how do we train ourselves to remain diligent? This is a life-or-death question for doctors, but Gawande unfortunately doesn’t have any easy answers, although one of his later books attempts to tackle the question again. It’s called The Checklist Manifesto, and makes a convincing argument for the usefulness of checklists in aiding us to achieve higher levels of performance. When I read it I beleaguered my scientist girlfriend with all the ways she could improve her life with checklists, although, of course, they would never work for an artist like me.

Right?

Maybe it’s time to find out.